Modesty

There is so much focus on the modesty of how you dress. They always talk about it, they even create swimming suits, dresses, clothes, etc to be "modest." But a lot of modesty for me has nothing to do with looks, but rather behavior. I mean really. Behavior is important. You could dress like a nun all the time. But if you're self righteous all the time, always focusing on what everybody else is doing wrong, I wouldn't call that modest. Likewise, if you were running around like some girls I've seen, sleeping around or just putting it out there in general, I wouldn't call that modesty. And the fact that in a lot of countries that stress modesty of dress, it's a double standard. The only ones really expected to cover up and dress "modestly" are women. Women have to cover their faces and heads in extreme cases as well as their ankles, everything but the eyes. But men can reveal far more parts of the body and be considered fine. in fact I've never heard of men in any culture being referred to as "modest" or "immodest." So really, it is a double standard that I don't really have respect for and a definition that really only covers the smallest part of what it should be.

Hot Characters I love

1. Edward Cullen
Though the movie did not do the character justice, any girl who has read twilight did not read it to read about Bella. She is the ultimately annoying drama damsel in distress. We read it for Edward, and oh is he worth it when you see his well developed image in any girl’s mind.
2. Batman
I will say this, Christian Slater pulls off an incredibly hot Batman and really brings the character to a certain sexiness of its own. But if Christian Slater were actually that personality and actually had that secret life, he would be sexy instead of just crazy
3. Tyler Durden
Yes, we are all perfectly aware that even in the movie, Fight Club, he is an imaginary character. But even guys gotta admit that Brad Pitt was hot in that and the character incredibly sexy.
4. Hector
If you saw Troy, Eric Bana played an excellent Hector and Brad Pitt was hot too. But in the real story, things were different, characterizations were different, but Hector was still that brave sweet family man with the wife and child who basically had to clean up his brother’s mess
5. Elliott Stabler
This comes from law & order SVU. The guy is attractive, a bit unstable among other things, but attractive, or at least I think so.
6. any character played by John Cusack
And yes I do mean any character. All the ones I’ve seen are hot. What can I say. It is personal bias, yes. But it is what it is.

I think even poodles hate poodles

I hate poodles, in general, as a breed, and individually, I hate poodles. Why you may ask? Basically because of the owners. There are exceptions to my rule of course. there are always exceptions. But as a general rule, there is something about poodles that makes people get them specifically to treat them like little babies, spoil them, protect them from god forbid having to learn to play with other dogs, etc. So with my baby, who is not a poodle, she plays with another dog, as long as it is not being aggressive or anything and doesn't get the excuse of well they're big! I won't have her turning into a poodle.

That being said, I have seen some pretty funny poodles. One was named Sprite, real funky. I had him be sensitive once, and it was because he had gotten run over and nobody told us beforehand. I'd groomed him for months, so I knew it was unusual to say the least. Poor boy. And then there's one with a mohawk, and finally we have the poodle owner who hates poodles and therefore has her dog shaved like a bichon. the self loather I guess we would call it. That dog is awesome though.

I Prefer The Company Of Men

The question gets asked, would you feel comfortable having a doctor of the opposite sex examine you. I think I thought about that one for about two milliseconds before deciding, as long as he’s hot. I’m being completely serious here. As long as he is hot, I am perfectly fine with that, because what can I say, I don’t particularly mind it. If it’s another girl, it’s just weird. Guys always have to ask. But it’s just weird. I mean I’m cool if men have to ask before sticking the whatever it’s called up the back of your shirt or whatnot. And frankly, I’m not going to say no, even if he’s not hot, because it’s purely medical stuff. I really only go into the doctor when it’s that bad. Otherwise, I completely avoid him. And I’ve been into the plasma centers a few times. But really, a guy would have to be pretty hot to keep me coming back for self torture of getting needles stuck in me needlessly. The money is not that good, it is when you’re desperate, but it’s not that good that I would unnecessarily put myself through that.
And I do know this from experience. Unfortunately for those who would hope it was just speculation on my part, no. I get some kind of factor out of it when he’s hot. It’s always weird when it’s a girl whether it’s at the plasma place or at the doctor’s office. I don’t know, it’s just weird. This could stem from the fact that I’m more comfortable with men in general. Around girls in general terms, I just feel awkward. They’re generally not as laid back, there’s always some kind of drama, some are too prissy to get down and dirty and play the sport. Girls tend to go behind your back. So I would rather spend my time with guys, and I guess it shows. Sad right? Not really for me. I don’t particularly mind it, and frankly, I quite prefer it in some cases.
In some ways, were I to turn my back to another girl, I might be more afraid of something happening than if it were a guy. I say this, because when guys have a problem with you, in general terms of course, they tend to be more direct than girls about it. So it goes from the figurative to the literal for me.

Puppy's Birthday #4

Yes, I keep track of my dog's birthday. His name is Milo, and he's 4 years old today. He is a black and tan daschund, and tomorrow he's going to his first puppy socialization class. But today, he's getting birthday treatment. He gets to play inside all he wants, he gets a bath, he gets a steak dinner. there is a place that does doggy birthday cakes, but he's not a big fan. He gets to play with the dogs he likes, because at this time he is extremely picky, and some dogs can be overwhelming for him to say the least. and of course, he gets a new toy, at least one new toy. I'm thinking about picking up his own bag of chicken treats from Costco, because he's always trying to steal those. they are the only treats he will do just about anything to get. So happy birthday Milo.

Things You Don't Ask A Woman

Sometimes, I wonder what in the world is wrong with men. I mean honestly, there are some things that men’s heads don’t grasp. For example, there are certain things that you just don’t say to women.

1. Are you okay?
Let’s be honest, I like men. I like them better than women. But if I have a problem, I don’t want to talk to you about it. And frankly, if you do that, I will probably just get pissed off.
2. Is it that time of the month?
If you don’t get this one, you’re an even bigger idiot than most guys, and that’s sad.
3. Are you really going to wear that?
First of all, yes I am, and second of all, if you are my boyfriend, the question is do you want anything. If you’re not, the question is do you really want to have that much damage inflicted?
4. I was going to call
And why exactly didn’t you? In this case, despite what you may have heard, it is not the thought that counts.
5. Your friend is hot
First, the few girlfriends I have, I am very protective over, and second, what is wrong with you! If I like you, well that’s messy, and if you’re just a friend, well if I think you’re good enough for one of my girlfriends, I would take the initiative and set you up myself, simple fact here.

When It's Just Complicated

I started out actually having a pretty descent day. I was getting a lot done and continue to get a lot done work wise, because through the years I’ve gotten good at hiding whatever emotions I may have and getting it done, partly as a way to get through it so even in those times when I feel like just crawling into a corner and crying, I don’t. Those are extreme cases of course, so it makes it a lot easier with the small stuff. I mean there are plenty of people who I’m sure believe that emotions are a good thing, and I do too….in other people. I guess that may well be a big part of the problem with me. But I find it easier to deal with, and my emotions run far too deep, sometimes meaning that if I let it go, I can’t regain control.
But there are days, like this, when things that may be big or small, I don’t know, regardless seem crushing to me. And on those days, it is important that I keep control, at least when around others. At least when somebody might see the crack, I cannot risk it. In this case, it’s a guy I like, care about, whatever you want to choose. And I don’t know, I guess I just, I don’t know what I was thinking honestly. But when I saw him with the equivalent of another girl or rather the sign of, and it wasn’t me, it was a lot at the moment. We’re friends and I don’t want to ruin that. I haven’t told him anything. So logically, I can’t expect him to read my mind or anything. But sometimes, it just sucks being just friends, being buddies, and not wanting to ruin that or lose that. It sucks knowing that I would be perfect for him and not knowing if he sees it or not, and holding back. And then at times like this, it’s just bad.

What Is Wrong With Kids

My friend’s cute daughter started messaging me on facebook the other day, and she has some mental challenges. But she’s really sweet, and talking to her on facebook, I honestly wouldn’t have known the difference between her and one of her sisters. I could’ve sworn it was one of them in fact. But she talks to me, joking around, telling me stuff about what’s going on at home, things like that. So I figure, it’s not interrupting anything and may as well. Plus, as a kid, she posts on her facebook about how she’s bored, etc. I see kids do that all the time. I did a counselor stint at a summer camp, and since then my girls get on msn, facebook, etc, message me, chat me, stuff like that.
But something I didn’t realize. With this particular kid, apparently I’m one of two people who talks to her on facebook. That made me sad, because she’s a sweet kid, and I honestly had no idea. But I’m wondering she’s high school age. What is wrong with kids that they can’t take a minute and talk to the kid on facebook? I mean honestly. There is something wrong with high school kids, not as if there wasn’t something wrong with them when I was in high school. But seriously, what is their problem! I don’t know what’s wrong with kids, how people raise their kids, they seem to be getting snottier these days I swear. I mean what would it take to just say hi, chat a little. What would it take to be a descent person?

Pet Hotels

They have hotels with zoos. Most of the time, you are extremely lucky to get a place that takes pets, house pets, fish, hamsters, dogs, cats, ferrets, pets. But there are some that are not only pet friendly, they’re downright wild. They have dogs you can borrow, take on walks, not have to feed because they go home at night, whatever for rent. And others have live in seals and resident giraffes.
If you are looking for the hotels, check out Kimpton hotels. They are all animal friendly, and have in room bowls and beds for your furry friends. You can even borrow a complimentary goldfish for no extra charge. And you don’t have to feed or wash out the bowls for the fish! So no crappy stuff for you, just the benefits. They even flush out your friends who have taken a permanent road out.
At the Southern Palms Beach Club, they have a parrot named Koko who has been living there for 45 years. She doesn’t speak so much, but apparently listens well, especially if you sing to her. They sent her to a zoo aviary, but she got sick and only got better when returned to the hotel grounds.
In Dubai, you can stay by a turtle resort meant to rehabilitate and save beached turtles. Guests can visit, and once better, turtles are returned to their natural habitat.
Of course, there are hotels in Hawaii that have resident turtle and seal ponds in the front. There are also places where you can swim with the seals, turtles, dolphins, or just about any other sea creature. There are even shark tanks connected to your hotel where you can pay a little more to get in there and swim with your maybe not so friendly neighborhood sharks.

Medical School To Practice Medicine

I never understood it. You apply to medical school theoretically of course to practice medicine. You apply to schools including some you never think you would get into, some you would like to theoretically go to, and some that are lower, but if they are the only ones you get into, well you go there, because the end result is hopefully the same, you are a doctor. And just incase you didn’t know, there are 2 types of medical schools. There are MD schools of course and then there are DO schools. MD schools are the ones we all know. DO schools were previously looked down upon and a second choice, but not nearly as stigmatized now.
A friend of mine applied to medical schools and a few DO schools as is customary. He is now applying for his third year, third time, and before I was under the impression that he hadn’t gotten into any. Acceptance to medical school can be rather arbitrary. It depends on what they’re looking for. They could be looking for the right things to say, the right experiences, the right grades, the right MCAT score, the right something, it always depends. I know a guy who actually got into a rather prestigious medical school that anyone would love to go to, but ironically didn’t get in anywhere else! How does that happen?
But as it turned out, he previously was accepted into a DO school, he went to the interview, because generally speaking you have to go to an interview once they decide they like you and then you get accepted or not accepted after that. They don’t come to you. If you live in a different state or area, you go to them. So basically he spent the money on the applications, he spent the money getting out there for an interview, and then he decided that he had applied there, gotten in only there, and he was too good to go there? What was the point of even applying in the first place!

Americans are Canadian Too

Are you Canadian? I know people who have dual citizenship, and not everybody necessarily understands it. I don’t have it. Sometimes you choose between two countries. Sometimes you choose the United States and sometimes you really have no desire to change citizenship. It’s not about hating one country, but rather loving another. Why pledge your citizenship to one country if you don’t feel it.
But a new law in Canada is making it even easier. Some Americans are now also Canadian, and they don’t even know it! A new amendment to the Canadian citizenship law gives citizenship back to those people who renounced their Canadian citizenship in favor of American citizenship. It also gives that citizenship to their children.
They don’t know exactly how many people will be affected by this new ammendment, just that it may well be thousands. It will happen automatically, but if someone wants proof of it, they would have to apply to find out. In short, that means if a country they have moved to does not allow dual citizenship, they will not be alerted to this change.

I Hate Anime

Why is it that white people just love anime? Is there something appealing about anything that is weird, yet Japanese? Anime sucks, and yet all the nerdy white people of the world seem to think it's the best thing since sliced bread. Granted I know some nerdy Japanese guys who like it too, but not as much as the white people.

I for one am Asian and I hate anime! I hate when their eyes go really wide whenever they get excited or something. I hate the fact that half the major anime characters were created by Japanese cartoonists and yet they are white! I hate the fact that they are cheesy. I hate the fact that in spirited away, they turn into pigs. Yes, I was forced, literally forced to watch spirited away. I will have you know it was a living nightmare for me.

And then they have anime porn. How messed up is that! I knew a guy in high school who would actually draw anime porn. What is up with that! And of course, nerdy white guy. He had his girlfriend, his anime girlfriend, all planned out, and he would tell us about all his favorite anime porns. There is something seriously wrong with anime and all the little white boys who love it when most Asians, at least that I know, don't even like it!

Dating A White Girl

Have you ever heard those Asian guys whining about why can't I get a white girl, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo. That is why! That is exactly why! If she doesn't date you because of your race, she's not worth your time anyway. And yes, I do realize that as women, we don't always make the best decisions. There are those white guys with what we call yellow fever. Yes men you should be grateful, because while you hate them, not as much as we do. We are the objects of their crap, you just stand on the sidelines and hate them from afar. We are the ones who get randomly attacked and crap.

But really, if you have the confidence to walk up to a girl and not play like you're so cool but just be a descent guy and she's single and not a little.....ya, you have a fair chance. If you stop obsessing about oh well I wish I could get a white girl, you might actually find a descent girl that you want to be with. She might not be white, in fact she might be Asian, black, Hispanic, Polynesian, etc. But if you stop obsessing about race, then white girls too will be more likely to not just be annoyed by you the same way we are annoyed by asiaphiles. The simple fact of the matter, no one is making it about race but you! So stop sabotaging yourself and frankly, stop making it so obvious(and this is how it looks when you whine about it)that you are such a loser!

And closing note, There are quite a few of us Asian girls who would rather date Asian guys or at least who don't care about race. We end up with white guys and other guys, because you guys refuse to step up and suck it up. We end up with other guys, because the Asian men around us are always whining about how we're traitors or how they can't get a white girl. So do you really think that we are so desperate that we want to date that? No. We would rather have another guy, who isn't Asian, who can appreciate us and treat us with some kind of respect, and more than that act like a man and an adult instead of a whiny little child.

What About The Spirit Of The Law

So here's my question of the day, how do you "accidentally" lose your virginity? I mean if you get raped, that's not exactly accidentally losing your virginity, that's being raped. If you have sex, you have sex, period, end of story. I think Eminem put it best when he said, "what did she trip, fall, land on his dick?"

Well apparently one girl decided she was going to "save herself" for marriage. So what does she do? She only has "dry sex" with her boyfriend. Frankly, when the people who thought of the whole no sex still you're married thing thought of it, I'm assuming that they meant it to be a sacred thing, something you would follow not only to the letter of law, but in the spirit of the law. There's a grand idea. I mean would she give him blow jobs too because that's not technically sex?

Anyway, dry sex for them apparently was basically just him rubbing himself against her with or without a condom, but no penetration. Most peole look at dry sex as something has to do with still wearing the panties and so on. So apparently in one instance, it felt "different" only for him to then admit that they had sex, after it was over! Ok, so what about the panties thing first of all, that would be a part of "dry sex." But second, isn't that technically rape since she's told him before that she wanted to "save" herself and had pretty much not only not consented, but bluntly said no? Just a thought, but it seems like stupidity for one thing and rape for another.

Armored Cars

They used to make these huge armored cars that were driving targets. They were these huge beasts of cars, and they probably would've tipped over going around a corner at 15 mph. But now, they have bettered the technology, the innovations, the everything really. So now they are pimping out regular cars. My sister, upon seeing one, said even the president doesn't have that. We all assured her that he had a whole line of cars far more pimped out than that.

For starters, they can pimp out everything from a huge truck all the way down to a Chevy Cavalier. That's some pretty impressive stuff. You get bullet proof glass, the steel plated doors, the works. Then, they have ones that throw out little stars to pop tires, and they even have full on machine guns that come out of the roof. I mean these are not just defensive cars, they go on the offensive! I love the idea of armored cars, but it's some scary stuff.

11 Year Old Suicide After Homophobic Taunts

Whatever happened to love, charity, acceptance, tolerance? I guess they're all the ways of hell or something. Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, an 11 year old boy, was found hung by an electrical cord from a beam in his home. Apparently attributed to suicide, the boy had undergone multiple taunts from his classmates at the New Leadership Charter school about being gay. Apparently, they told him on a regular basis, "You're gay, you must be gay, you act like a girl." The boy's mother had repeatedly called and met with school administrators every week for 6 months before the suicide.

On the day of his suicide, he came home and told his mother that he had bumped into a girl who proceeded to shout at him and threaten him, at which point he was suspended for 5 days. School officials are saying they never suspended the boy, but obviously we don't know for sure, and they're the only ones still talking. But they have admitted that he was punished for the talked about incident. I am wondering why he was the one punished?

This is a prime example of what is happening in our schools, what is happening in our society, what kind of crap parents are teaching their kids, and the effect it is having on kids, innocent kids. I mean if we cannot turn to the administrators of our schools to provide a safe haven, what do we do. In this case, he did have the support of his mother, but some kids don't even have that. People who really are gay face a barrage of physical, emotional, and psychological attacks on a regular basis, just as those kids who who are of a different race, family background, religion, etc. And in every case it is horrible. In every case, it is tragic. In every case, there is someone hurting, and it's not right. It's because of what some parents are willfully teaching their children about what is right and what is wrong.

I remember my school days and those of a few people I cared about. We had ice cubes thrown at us when we first started attending a certain high school, because they had never seen an Asian person, let alone a Korean person. A child I knew when he was in elementary school was beat up on a regular basis and then suspended for being beat up, and he was beat up because he was Asian. He was suspended, because the administrator apparently felt the same way. His parents had grown up white, they had never had certain issues, and frankly, they treated him like he was a trouble maker making stories up. We all saw the bruises, the scars, the medical records of the times when he had to go to the hospital because they shot a bone with a beebee gun or something else. Likewise, my parents thought that I was being too sensitive and I was just being a baby. they thought that when I came home crying every day, I was an overly sensitive child and I should just learn to ignore them and they would go away, stop. My bullies never stopped, and the more I ignored them, the worse it got, until senior year when it really flourished and I couldn't go to school without being taunted, threatened, treated like I was a terrorist, actually called a terrorist, because apparently South Koreans were just North Korean spies. I appealed to school administrators, I appealed to my parents, I appealed to teachers that were standing right there when some of the incidents happened, and it was honestly amazing how much they could ignore. Finally, I came to my wits end, not knowing what else to do, I talked to their parents. In one case, he was actually a friend of my mom's, and he had been to Korea on an extended trip for studies and so on. So he was mortified. He apologized to my mom over and over again, and he also had terminal cancer. But after that, it stopped. I picked out my main bullies, because I didn't know what else to do, and I functioned under the assumption that they were jerks with parents that had taught them better, but didn't know.

I have to say, I hope the torturers of this boy have the same kinds of parents. My parents weren't inclined to step to my aid when I called. But when parents find out that their children are doing certain things, they react more efficiently sometimes and not so much other times. Some would blame the victim. In my case, it was so extreme I feared for my safety, and obviously so did this boy. My guess is that his parents made him dress well, pull up his pants, comb his hair, get good grades, work hard on any school teams he wanted to be on, be a good citizen. But evidently, kids in his school thought that put him in a seat below them, and they acted accordingly.

I hope that the parents of these kids don't try to apologize to his mother now, because that is something that would probably only hurt more. If I were her, I might be angry at them, even though they didn't do it, because they did not control their kids and teach their kids better. I would be extremely angry at administrators. I would be livid actually in a lot of ways. And frankly, parents apologizing isn't going to bring this boy who would've been 12 in just a few days back, it's not going to reverse what their kids did, it's not going to reverse the inaction or inappropriate actions of school administrators. But I hope the parents of these kids get involved, pay more attention to exactly what their kids are doing in and out of the home, and something changes in that school. It's a horrible way to make a difference, and a horrible thing to happen. But things have to change, at that school and at every school, at every workplace, etc.

If You Don't Understand Politics....

Why are we somehow surprised that Obama is putting more power in the government than Bush? We obviously don't understand politics. Bush is conservative, Obama is a liberal. In terms of the government, a true conservative puts his power in the free market, gives more power to the states. A liberal works to put more power in the central government, sometimes take care of things like health care, work to take care of the poor, control gas prices, basically keep things in check, not depending on the free market to regulate itself, which obviously the free market is not very good at regulating itself. There is no supply part, just demand in terms of pricing. If you don't understand that and you hate the government, why did you vote Obama in you big idiots!

As for me, if they can do it right, nationalized healthcare for basic healthcare is a great thing. I'm not talking about major heart surgery or cosmetic surgery so much as preventative care like regular check ups, especially for kids, cold, flu, child birth, getting it before it turns into a huge epidemic and a huge problem resulting in people who didn't go in because they couldn't afford the doctor's bill or couldn't afford the time off ending up in the hospital, raising a huge bill and ultimately raising healthcare costs for all of us. That's part of why I voted him in.

I Couldn't Pass On The Leukemia Gene

A Leukemia gene, now there's a scary thought. I mean when we have a gene for diseases like Huntington's or Multiple Sclerosis, we may not know it till later in life or we may only see it in our family histories. With schizophrenia, we see it pop up in some individuals in the family and not others, but mostly in families. But leukemia, that is something else. Most of these genetic diseases hit us when we're adults, when we're having kids, and sometimes we're afraid of having kids, because of what they might have to go through. With meneers, it is horrible, but it hits in adulthood.
But with leukemia, it often afflicts children. I mean at least with adults, we've had some chance to live our lives and figure it out and all that, and while some of us are not ready, most of us are at a stage where we are mature and we can figure out how to cope, how to deal. But how can you expect a child, a little child to know how to deal with that. And if they do, if they grow up before their time, is that fair to take away their childhood? And then you think about the ones that die. It is tragic when a child dies. But it is more tragic when it is your child. Parents struggle when there is an accident, they fall out of a tree and just get a scratch, they have a fight at school, they get teased, etc. when something happens like them getting run over, you get parents with a horrible guilt complex, because they didn't see their child behind that car, even though they didn't know. When kids get kidnapped, parents hold out hope for years on end, and when the bodies are found, it is a tragedy. But in that time, many parents have time to prepare for the worst.
But when your child dies of leukemia, parents aren't supposed to bury their children. That is not how things are supposed to work! And to watch your child die, every day telling them that everything is going to be fine and they'll get better soon. That is a horrible thing, beyond horrible. I don't know what my genes are, and I feel guilty about bringing a child into the world not knowing that. But if I knew that I carried that leukemia gene, I wouldn't be able to do it. With adult diseases, I might justify it to myself and hope that by the time they reach that age some however many years later, they will have found the cure, discovered new things, etc. But with leukemia, even if there were better innovations, if they were not 100%, I could not do that to a child, let alone to myself and the father.

Love By The Zodiac

Yes, I'm taking a break from all my religious crap in a way. Most people, when they look at the Zodiac think about fun, games, what sign they are, what sign is their opposite, etc. They define their possible relationships with other zodiac signs by what basic sign they are, which is partly right. There are some personalities which clash. For example, I am a Pisces, and I find that I clash with a lot of Leos and Virgos. We can be friends, but we cannot be in a serious relationship, and even our friendships are a bit more shallow. On the other hand, with Aquarius', we are often the best of friends, until we live together. We are great when we don't live together. But when we do, it's a constant battle, like everything we do bugs each other. It is mutual. But, you should really judge by the week. When judging by the week, you could technically be with any basic sign, it just depends on which week you happen to get.

For example, I've always been told that Libras are horrible for Pisces, and it's generally true in the realm of love. My best friends have often been Libras, but we do not go farther than that for a reason. But my first and only love also happened to be a Libra, and the second guy I've ever liked right off the bat is a Libra. In fact I feel drawn to him in a weird way, have from the start, but decided I wasn't even going to go down that path in the beginning, because he was already in a relationship. They are now split. I felt that same feeling with the man I still love. Love unfortunately doesn't die no matter the circumstances. This is explained by the fact that I am on the Pisces Aquarius cusp. They are both on 2 certain weeks of the Libra. The one I love is on a week which is good for marriage. The one I feel drawn to right now that is actually somewhat available at the moment is on another week of the Libra, which is more suitable for love. I didn't know there was a difference. But in the relationship between my week and his, it states that basically you feel drawn through space and time to each other. Other signs have weeks that are better than other weeks in that same sign for me, and there are some where the best week is more intense and really great for love or marriage than others. But they vary, just as people vary. The best way to judge is really by the week. It doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. But it has worked for me.

Love Is Not Always Enough

Why it keeps linking words from my posts to other sites, I don't know. I'm not doing that part, so it's getting annoying. If I want to cite another site, I will do it myself. But anyway around the time I hit college, I found myself in this long standing thread of trying to please everybody else by spending my life the way they wanted instead of doing what I needed to and should've done for myself. I went to a state college instead of standing up for myself and going to the college I really wanted to, the college I applied to for that reason, one of a number of good colleges like Penn State, NYU, Columbia, Stanford, UCLA, and oddly enough with UCLA, I was told afterward by other applicants that the whole Asian thing actually worked against me. So I really should've gone. But I went to a state college in another city to be with a boy, and I simultaneously attended another state college, because as my mom put it, it was a mistake and I wasn't smart enough to go there(referring to the state school I had chosen). I got a full ride scholarship, I had a 4.0 GPA, and I scored higher than most seniors in high school on the SAT in 8th grade. When I took it again my junior year, in addition to the ACT, you can imagine I got a pretty descent score. So why wouldn't they want me. But apparently my mother was the Asian mother to the point of criticizing everything you do and pushing you to do bigger and better things, but when you actually got there, it turned into you're not good enough. So that boy ended up deciding that after it all, he was going to marry someone else. I understood it, because love was simply not enough. It was a hard concept for me to get, because I thought that love could conquer all. In a way, I never believed myself lovable, because if your own mother can't stand the sight of you, then what hope do you really have. But with him, he seemed to really love me, for me, not because I changed myself to be what he wanted. In fact, he was the only person that I was ever really myself with. He was Christian, and I really tried getting back into it. But in the end, he knew that I would be doing it for him and not for myself. I was okay with it, because between choosing my own religion and being with someone I love, I would choose love, and it wouldn't feel like a sacrifice to me. But for him, he felt like it wouldn't be right. So love wasn't enough then.

So a while after that, I had always suffered from depression. But it really got unbearable at some point, and I was so caught up in trying to be strong, trying to put on a happy face so he would never know how hurt I was, never know how much I loved him, smile, etc, that I passed it over to some degree. Then suddenly, I found myself unable to get up in the morning many mornings, partly because of a severe pain in my stomach and partly because I just didn't have the energy or stamina to get up. I would think about getting up and it was so hopeless. After 3 months of possibly making it to the bathroom to pee a couple times a day, barely being able to eat anything, barely being able to drag myself anywhere, and so on, I finally went to a doctor, who told me concerning the stomach pain that it must just be stress. They later diagnosed it as IBS, and the medications worked for a while, when they removed some of the complications that would stop the medications from working. And then they diagnosed me as lactose intolerant, only later to figure out that I was actually allergic to milk, and finally they diagnosed me with GERD. Mentally speaking, I went to see a therapist, and I never told her about the things that happened when I was younger, as I will never really tell anyone. And then they put me on zoloft, which just dummed everything down. Then I had a breakdown again about a month later, and I got to the point where I realized that feeling sad all the time wasn't nearly as bad as feeling nothing. When you get to that point, you aren't even sure you're alive, except for the fact that when you cut yourself, you still bleed. So you begin to wonder if you're already dead and your body just hasn't caught on yet. We went up to the maximum dose of zoloft, at which point I developed a severe allergy, and inbetween suffered a few breakdowns. We tried Paxil, which was a living nightmare. And this is just for the depression. For the anxiety and OCD which consequently became so severe that I couldn't leave my house because I kept worrying I had left my keys among other things. The keys thing was enough to keep me in for hours all by itself. But there were many more problems than that. So I had some pretty powerful anti anxiety drugs, sleeping pills, etc. I went through ambien, lunesta, and all the tamer ones, they either didn't work in the first place or stopped working shortly thereafter. I also tried a couple that apparently knock most people flat back with about 50mg. I took 200mg, and it knocked me out for maybe 6 hours at a time. And right now, I'm down to a drug called lamictal. Counseling hasn't worked, God hasn't worked, other medications haven't worked. But this one seems to be working out alright, so there's always hope for the future right?

Anyway, I ended up dropping college, because after my reason for being at that college instead of say UCLA negated himself, I really reassessed what in the world I was doing. Obviously, I wasn't happy doing it, and I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I actually want, recovering, and slowly finding things that I had forgotten, that I had lost. One thing I found is that I don't believe in God, because he's never been there, and it's to the point where I either have to assume that God hates me, which is a horrible thing nobody should think, or that he doesn't exist. It's not really logical to think that God would spend his time hating one person if he existed. So I take the logical answer, and some would say the easier answer. So I dumped church and all surrounding it. I stilll have friends there, they just accept things the way they are now. I realized that I had no reason to stay in college and continue wasting my money. After all, you don't have to go to college to be a writer, and you don't have to go to college to be a dog groomer. To be a writer, you have to have natural talent, and you have to understand basic English grammar. My grammar skills are superior, and I've always had a talent for writing when I feel like applying it. Oddly enough, I turn it on and off.

So after that, it took me a while. It takes a while to reverse things you've done all your life, to completely change the way things work and the way people work around you. Some people have not adjusted, and they have either fallen away of their own volition, or I have left them, because they could not accept me trying to find myself. They were so used to the me that would always do what everybody else wanted, what everybody else thought they needed, someone who never thought to pay attention to herself. And now that I'm asserting my needs, even though I still take care of a lot of the people around me to an extreme point, they somehow feel that I have done something wrong. In answer to those who would wonder why I would sacrifice my time and energy for other people when I obviously have problems of my own and all that, because it is still something that I need. When people around me are miserable, it rubs off on me, and I cannot stand it. So doing little things that do not really compromise myself, it's not such a big deal. It maintains my sanity, because I feel a little too much empathy for everyone around me. I am just careful to take care of myself, more than I used to.

Part 3

So moving on, I went through several different elementary schools, actually about 8 different elementary schools, all before second grade. My dad just liked to move a lot. There was no army brat or any of that, just moving. So with the final school where I met my friend who is a Jehovah's witness, lifelong friend. So moving on to junior high, I met my best friend in 7th grade, and we were inseperable. He started going Christian on me, when he had been vehemently against it until that point, in 8th grade. But he still hung out with a few of us who were into pot and all of that at the time. He subsequently moved away, and with him, he doesn't like leaving people or people leaving him. So before he moved, he would cut all ties, completely be a jerk, etc. So I lost my best friend in 8th grade essentially speaking, when he moved away. This was the friend that was there through it all, who dumped girlfriends because they got all paranoid about me, the best friend. He asked me once what I would say if he asked me out, but I had no idea what he was actually saying and just went off on some tangent like an idiot. He never asked again, because apparently I was the only girl at that time that he was interested in but actually scared that I would say no. Who knew right. But had he stayed around, it was the plan to go to all the high school dances together and all that. With the pot smoking, in a way, I understand I did it to myself, but it was still pretty scarring. First, I stopped smoking, because one day, I smoked too much, basically thought I was going to die, and everybody was so high that they hardly even noticed as I was freaking out. And then, it was partly because they got into some of the harder stuff. But I watched a few of my friends die and some died when I was not there. So that was something I never forgot. I mean to this day, though some of my friends never officially stopped smoking, they have been the friends that have always been there for me, always been around, always been good friends no matter what my choices were. But seeing our friends die had an effect on all of us, just different depending on who you talk to.

Once I hit high school, there was a girl's home in the area where I lived, and I was still trying to go to church and maybe hoping that god would come around. I was friends with a few of the girls in the girl's home, and they were amazing. They had been through a lot of challenges, and they overcame more than most people could. Cool girls. One was thinking about coming to church with us, and I was honest with her. I basically told her that I was trying to find God, because the whole friends dying thing freaked me out and all that, but I didn't care who was what. So I went with her and we were doing whatever. And then one of the leaders of the women's group came up to me and basically told me in so many words that she hadn't grown up with all the things I had, so I should lead my friend to the truth and I should be the better example, because she didn't know right from wrong. I was livid, offended, a lot of things at that point, because honestly that friend was better than I could ever hope to be. We had been through many of the same things, but she was so much stronger than me about it. Yes, she ended up in a girl's home. But the circumstances tend to warrant it, and she was such a fighter. But honestly, the fact that a major religious person could be so judgemental and not see this amazing person that I saw got to me.

Part 2: My Religion

After everything that happened when I was really young, during it, before it, after it, we moved around a lot. We stayed in one house a grand total of 2 weeks. I never knew exactly why that particular stay was so short. Anyway, during that time, we basically moved in between communities where all the kids were pretty much white and pretty much mormon. I went to a Korean culture camp in the summers, where I had the majority of my childhood friends. Kids are rough yes, but apparently kids in my areas were especially brutal. I think I first got called by a racial slur in kindergarten. My mom's approach was just ignore them, my dad's approach was fight back. I gotta tell you, fighting back worked much better.

Anyway, in areas where any religion is the predominant religion, I can guarantee those kids will be the brattiest, because they are among their own and most comfortable. Mormon kids did not disappoint. When I moved to the elementary school we finally stayed at, the first kid who was ever nice to me was not a mormon, but a jehovah's witness. All the mormons wanted nothing to do with me. Only after she had befriended me for months did they start to come around. We're still friends to this day, and she was the reason I looked into being a Jehovah's witness for a time. The missionaries that came to our door throughout the years were always really nice too. During this time came the day when my Grandma, who had really been one of the only secure things in my life up to that point died. Again, I was on the train to try to just ask God to be there with me, to comfort me, not bring her back or anything. But there was no response, nothing.

The introduction to me religiously speaking

I grew up mormon, LDS, whatever you want to call it. My mom was a convert and my dad grew up in the church, being a descendant of one Brigham Young interestingly enough. I never really believed in the church, but I did try as a kid. When I was really young, about 5 actually, I saw a lot of things nobody should ever see, and I couldn't stand to have anybody know. So I told no one. I was always taught that you should pray to god for help. I was always taught, and from a young age understood better than most, the concept that God wouldn't necessarily get you your favorite toy for example if you prayed for it. But if you asked for him to be there, to comfort you in your times of need, etc, he would be there. Well, I was probably the only kid in my area that had that great a need for god to be there after all the things that happened, and I prayed really hard, really regularly, really whole heartedly, and he never came. I hoped for years after that that I had somehow done it wrong, and I tried to figure out all the things I could've done wrong. I never found them. In addition, I was told that at the grand old age of 5, I needed to repent because I was consorting with the devil. Mormons believe that you are not truly aware of sin in its fullness and so on till you're 8. But apparently, I was a special case, because I was told this by bishops, stake presidents, seminary teachers, basically the guys who are supposed to be leaders.

There's No Such Thing As Reverse Racism

Racism is racism is racism. That's it, that's all, end of story. There is no such thing as reverse racism, it's all the same thing! Somebody is discriminating against another person by the color of their skin. Maybe an organization is discriminating against someone because of the color of their skin. It really doesn't matter who's doing it, it matters that it's happening. It is always wrong. When they profile to find criminals, you'll notice that they tend to profile in the direction of minorities. There are quite a few minorities in the prison systems that were falsely convicted, because they couldn't afford a good lawyer and a jury looked at them and said well they must've done it. White juries so often forget though that serial killers are usually white men, rapists are usually white men, and in general terms, people usually commit crimes against people of their own basic race. But whether convicting them because they're black, white, Hispanic, Asian, etc, it is all racism. Hating a man because he is white is no better or worse than hating a man because he is black. Celebrating your race as the superior race and the master race is just as bad whether you are a member of the KKK or the black panthers. Both were originally based on the idea of protecting themselves. But both became essentially the same thing. So it's all bad, there is no reverse racism, just racism

Iowa Allows Gay Marriage

As it turns out, Iowa has officially decided that it would be unlawful and violate the equal rights clause in their state to prohibit same sex couples from getting married. Finally!!!!! I mean honestly. It was a unanimous decision. If it weren't I'd have issues. But obviously, Iowa is one of the first to stop being idiots. The fact that California had to edit their constitution to block gay people from seeking marriage licenses. That should tell you that it is unconstitutional to block it. But I'm glad to see one state thinks.

Indian Indians Are Annoying

I hate to say it, but Indian people, and I mean people who have been raised in India, can be so annoying! I say this as a waitress and as a fellow traveler and as a fellow citizen to be frank. Indian people born and raised outside of India or at least raised outside of India are fine. It's just the caste system or something, and yes it is still there. I mean as a waitress, I had a whole group that would always come in. I stopped taking their table, because they would have 10-20 people, they would order tons of food, I would be really nice, stay pretty much out of their way, but keep drinks full, food read, plates cleared, etc, and I would hear them making snide remarks about me, and then they would leave me maybe a $5 tip if I was lucky. On the other hand, my white male coworkers would serve them, and they would easily get respect, $50-$60 tips, etc. So we all knew they knew how to be nice and tip well. But a female server who was not white was below them, and apparently those of us who fit that description are meant to serve them. I had another table, a couple, who would always come in. I had no problems serving them. They tipped horribly to be and better to my white male coworkers. But at the same point in time, they were fairly quiet, never made snide remarks, were gracious toward their servers in general, etc, and that I can handle. But it always did bug me with the tip thing still the same.

Then there's the planes. I mean I'm not a real talker on planes, because I understand it's weird for some other people, it's weird for me! But I've ridden to Korea from San Francisco and LA before. LA, there's always a lot of Koreans, and San Francisco it's always tons of Indians on their way to India. We're a layover to them apparently. Anyway, there is always this smell with a lot of Indian passengers, the older people always cut in front of huge lines of people waiting for the bathroom, they always have their seat reclined as far back as it will go, and when you're having meals, the stewardesses will come and sit their seat up, and they will wait till she leaves and then set it back again. And I swear, sitting on the aisle seat with an Indian guy and his mom, I was forced to get up every 5 minutes so that they could walk around randomly or go to the bathroom or something. And sadly, I am not actually exaggerating. they woke me up more than once, it was about a 20 hour flight!

And then there's the guy on the plane ride. He locked himself in the bathroom to smoke. It's illegal to smoke in the bathrooms. But he was in there for a solid half hour. So I woke up to the stewardess knocking on the door saying sir please come out, sir please open the door. I looked back and she said oh he's smoking in there. This went on for a while more, at which point she kept saying sir we know you're smoking in there, just come out. Finally, they found out what seat was his and came back, said his name, and said sir we have just charged your credit card X amount, basically the fee for disabling a smoke detector, smoking in the bathroom, etc. At that point, he came out, yelled, screamed, it was interesting. But honestly, the thing I hate is a lot of times it just seems like they feel like they are entitled to be above everyone else and have everyone else bow down to them or something.

Birth "mothers" deserve no credit

"Birthmothers" bother me. I'll put it out there. They bother me. They get all high and mighty saying well it wasn't the right time for me and I never planned on that child and that ruined my life or bla bla bla bla bla. Do you think it was really convenient for that child to feel unwanted, neglected, abandoned? Do you think they wanted to be born to a mother who didn't even want them there in the first place? And I heard of one in particular who came back and then whined about what a slob, how horrible, what a brat her now 23 year old daughter was that she gave up. You weren't there to raise her, because you chose not to be! Who left here! I mean who is she to judge anyone, especially the adoptive parents or that girl for becoming essentially the same person she was and apparently still is! And prudence on MSN hit it on the nose saying you know it sounds like nature being that you're acting the same way and you were the one to leave and then reappear 23 years later, toting along your other daughter who you decided to keep. That is a slap in the face in itself. and then this daughter could guaranteed feel that her own birth mother didn't like her. So how's that supposed to make her feel. All this "mother" could do is whine about how oh well I never wanted her then and now she's a brat and I got her a good present and she wasn't even grateful.

I will be honest. I finally found my mother, by accident actually. For years, I hoped that it had all been one big mistake and she still loved me and all that kind of rosy crap, because there were times when that was the only thing I had to hold on to, the only thing keeping me going. So when I found out that she had left of her own volition, it was no mistake, and she still didn't want me, because she thought that I had just come as a curse and ruined her life. That's really bad. I mean there are some who are stronger and some who think in a different way. But as for me, as for quite a few adoptees I've known through the years, there is this feeling, sometimes a feeling you are aware of and sometimes one that lies beneath the surface, but nonetheless this feeling that tells you that the ultimate love is that of your mother, not your father, but your mother. This is the person who will love you when you are unlovable, be there when everyone else has left, and in the rosy imagination of some, that's the way it is. Really, that's the way you would hope it would be. But in the mind of an adopted child or maybe a foster child who believes this, this equals out to I must be some piece of crap that my own mother, the one person who has to love me, hates me enough to leave me behind. And if they somehow end up adopted into a family or living in a foster home that is abusive, that only drillls in that concept in a way. Either way, finding the mother I thought ultimately loved me was the worst possible thing to happen. and obviously, I'm not the only one with a mother so blindingly self centered.