The introduction to me religiously speaking

I grew up mormon, LDS, whatever you want to call it. My mom was a convert and my dad grew up in the church, being a descendant of one Brigham Young interestingly enough. I never really believed in the church, but I did try as a kid. When I was really young, about 5 actually, I saw a lot of things nobody should ever see, and I couldn't stand to have anybody know. So I told no one. I was always taught that you should pray to god for help. I was always taught, and from a young age understood better than most, the concept that God wouldn't necessarily get you your favorite toy for example if you prayed for it. But if you asked for him to be there, to comfort you in your times of need, etc, he would be there. Well, I was probably the only kid in my area that had that great a need for god to be there after all the things that happened, and I prayed really hard, really regularly, really whole heartedly, and he never came. I hoped for years after that that I had somehow done it wrong, and I tried to figure out all the things I could've done wrong. I never found them. In addition, I was told that at the grand old age of 5, I needed to repent because I was consorting with the devil. Mormons believe that you are not truly aware of sin in its fullness and so on till you're 8. But apparently, I was a special case, because I was told this by bishops, stake presidents, seminary teachers, basically the guys who are supposed to be leaders.