The Sickness Of Me

It's sad really. I know I'm cursed. I know there is something about me that people don't see unless I let them in, and then I don't even know what it is that they see. I just know the reaction that happens every time. Sometimes it takes a day, sometimes it takes years, it just depends. But they always see it, and the reaction is always the same. In a way, I really should just save myself the pain of it all. I mean if it were people I didn't care about seeing it from the beginning, I would get used to it and just accept it. But when it's the people you finally let in, that makes a lot harder.

And while I want to avoid it in my own ways, when I get to that point with someone, there's a part of me that wants to protect them from it. I mean just the way they feel, it's like they're not just betrayed, they're completely crushed. and then I never know exactly why, because they can't stand to even look at me. It's so instantaneous. One day we're fine, we're great, and the next when they do look at me, the pain in their eyes is horrible, and they can't stand to look at me 9 times out of 10. And whether you should hate them for it or not, it seems like you just feel this love for them still that keeps you being the fool. I don't understand it. But it led me to break up with a guy I care about, because I don't want him to go through that. He was in such pain over something that was still big, but smaller, and he would go through so much more. I can't stand the idea of him being in that much pain........and that is the sickness of me.