Wednesday, April 22, 2009

When It's Just Complicated

I started out actually having a pretty descent day. I was getting a lot done and continue to get a lot done work wise, because through the years I’ve gotten good at hiding whatever emotions I may have and getting it done, partly as a way to get through it so even in those times when I feel like just crawling into a corner and crying, I don’t. Those are extreme cases of course, so it makes it a lot easier with the small stuff. I mean there are plenty of people who I’m sure believe that emotions are a good thing, and I do too….in other people. I guess that may well be a big part of the problem with me. But I find it easier to deal with, and my emotions run far too deep, sometimes meaning that if I let it go, I can’t regain control.
But there are days, like this, when things that may be big or small, I don’t know, regardless seem crushing to me. And on those days, it is important that I keep control, at least when around others. At least when somebody might see the crack, I cannot risk it. In this case, it’s a guy I like, care about, whatever you want to choose. And I don’t know, I guess I just, I don’t know what I was thinking honestly. But when I saw him with the equivalent of another girl or rather the sign of, and it wasn’t me, it was a lot at the moment. We’re friends and I don’t want to ruin that. I haven’t told him anything. So logically, I can’t expect him to read my mind or anything. But sometimes, it just sucks being just friends, being buddies, and not wanting to ruin that or lose that. It sucks knowing that I would be perfect for him and not knowing if he sees it or not, and holding back. And then at times like this, it’s just bad.

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